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I'm back

I'm back, finally. I'm no longer dating the girl, I'm engaged to a fantastic man, I'm still best friend with the asshole but I've added some new ones in there, there is jae- love him to death. we have alot of history, and i wouldnt let him go for the world like, he will forever be mine regardless to who were with. LJ, who has turned into my go to man, and miss Eva, who is a girl from high school who turned out to be the only one I had left in my dark times. Also, I haven't really gone through those dark times lately. I've learned to cope really well.

So yeah, I'm back!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

i've gotten like this before but its never like im so close and i really want to end it all.
the suns shining but i feel so dark, empty and worthless. i really feel like i wanna give up.
i have no hope no faith nothing. i feel so alone even though i have so many people. Someone
should have warned me ahead of time that my life would be like this cause then i would have done so
many thins different. i would have asked god not to bring me into the world, how could someone with so much
power allow someone like me to feel like this? Its been 2 hours of me crying now. and as soon as i stopp it starts
again, i wish everything was different. i wish my life was so much easier. i wish my wrist didnt burn. i wish i had a pill.
i wish i never had to go through this.
but you know what none of thats going to change and im still going to feel worthless, helpless, and hopeless.

if i could end everything right now.. I would.

righttt

Hey, sorry i havent written in a while. Everything alright at the moment. I still have random nervous breakdowns but nothing to hardcoree.. Im single and still good friends wit her. My supposed to be best friend zack's talking to me again, and i got my tongue pierced. a went back to everything i stopped for her cuz i dont know, im not with her and no ones there to tell me no. so i am. She'd kill me if she found out but its honestly what ever. well im outttt
DUCES!

january 31 2009

okay so im like just in a bad mood.... like i dont know how to explain it really but
its driving me insane. and i honestly feel like shit. mah stomach hurts
I havent had mah period since fucking novemberrr. so thats making me angry.
i dont know exactly whats going on in my mind or how im feeling but its not cool
im not likin it onnneee bitt

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Dear Zachary Andrew R,
Your a fucking asshole. You have no idea how much i really just want to punch you in the face.
All the shit i've done for you and the shit you've put me through.
This shit we've gone through. i cant begin to explain how much i hate you. Seriously if i had the
chance i'd just start wildin out on your face. Boy im a little girl but i can fuck your world.
you have no idea how much i fucking hate you. You were supposed to be my best friend. You
taught me almost everything. well fuck this now. Fuck you niggah When  you get locked up dont
call me for commersary. dont write me looking for forgivness. Dont expect me to come visit you cause it's not happening.
I cant stomach looking at you. You make me sick nigga. Your not even mah nigga anymore. i fucking hate you.
We're fucking done! i hope you get your ass takin in county. You will once they find out why your there!

Pissed for a dumb reason,

For some reason the stupidest thing is fucking pissing me off. Okay so I've been friends wit this kid zack. whose a complete asshole. any way. We were bestfriends. well he was mine. we dated and broke up. He wanted to be friends so we were friends. he still being my bestfriend. He started dating the girl im dating now. Who he cheated on and pushed around. today he got into a fight wit her so he called me and tried to start problems between me and her knowing her and i were close. it didnt work and what he had to say didnt phase me, I got  a call about and hour ago from her. He changed his number. So i couldnt call or text him and him and her could work on their relationship, she straight told him "there will never be an us" Sweetheart i've moved on. whats pissing me off is he thinks im the root of his problem with losing her. im not. and i think he needs to get his shit straight like seriously. him and i broke cuz i was apparently immature, whos acting immature now? UGHHHHH what also makes me upset is this kid was supposed to be my bestfriend i told him everything. went to him for everything, Like wtf how could he so fucking dumb. yo i was there for him thru everything, His arrest, his probation, and his possible jail time. I straight told him i'd visit him when he got locked up now hes beat he aint got no one hes f*cked cuz im not helping him no more, how you gunna just drop a friend like that honestly

drugs

its horrible how the only thin that makes me happy in this world besides my girlfriend sometimes is drugs
pills.
weed.
alcohol is alright but the pills and weed work better.
im a fan of the pills. this is bad reallyyy bad.

ready to give the fuck up

Im so ready to give up. fuck women and men
I cut again btw. apparently this time they were
deeper. no one really understands. I wish they
did. Oh and btw i highly doubt i still have a girlfriend.
and if i do im fucking done wit that too
im basically done with life. like i really want to give up.
but how do i expect people to understand.
so basically NO IM NOT OKAY DAMN IT
stop fucking asking stop acting like you
know whats wrong honestlyyyyyy!
you dont care and i highly doubt you ever have or will.
Im just that girl. you know, the one you cant save.
the one who slipped thru the cracks. the one
no one really cares to check her wrists or
ask her how much she crys. No one. listen honestly
people dont talk to me like you know me cause you dont
You dont kno half the shit i've been thru. and right now i
cant even tell you what i going thru. when i figure it out
you'll be the first to know i promise. Now fuck this.

flying confusedddd

alright dating mah baby is great i love every second with her. She's amazing, great and beautiful. But i feel like somethings not there like with her, like if she feels the same or if shes just here to be here. And i have this jealousy thing with her ex. the fucked up thing is hes my ex too. and The kidds my bestfriend but i dont trust when it comes to her. Like i dont know. its like i know he has the power to take her back and shes probably still vulnerable and she'll go back. I dont want that to happen at all. Like i... i dont want to loose her to him. I'd be more hurt simply becaue of the guy that he is. If it was anybody else id be ok[[not hurt as much]] with it but because its him im worried as fuck. i have no idea what to do. should i just wait it out or what? Any advice?

Jan. 13th, 2009

So ladies and gentlemen i have a girlfriend and SHES effin amazingg. =] Her names Nikki and she's 20. shes amazing at everything she doessss. <3

babygirl your amazing, i love everything about you.
your smile, your attitude, your eyesss You are perfecttt.
baby girl i love youuuuu